I had intended to post last week. But life got in the way. I had a pretty low low, maybe one of my lowest. It didn’t last all that long, but I’m still climbing out. This time it hit me hard, and out of nowhere. Usually I can see myself slipping, and bring myself back. But this time was like *WHAM* and all of a sudden I was depressed.
I did something that I have never done before, which sort of scared me. Monday I came to work, only half prepared for the day. I had cried myself to sleep the night before and cried most of the morning. I was at work for about an hour, then I just decided “I can’t be here. I need to leave right now.” So I went home. Since I work in mental health and the nature of my job is to talk to people about my own mental illness, my supervisors were very supportive, and I am so thankful. I stayed in bed all the rest of the day. I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t sleep. I was exhausted.
Fortunately I have some really great support people. But they worry about me, which often times makes me feel guilty and more depressed. When I have these low lows it’s hard for me to reach out to people, I can’t think to call or text them, and I feel angry when they can’t read my mind that I need to be talked to. This time was different. My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years (who hasn’t been with me through one of these) called me. He made me get up and get dressed, he literally talked me through my morning routine. For that hour at work he texted me with support and encouraged me to go home. He talked to me the whole way home. He purchased in flight wifi for his trip to Spain, so he could make sure I was alright through the day. And more importantly than anything he made me call my other support people.
It got better. Each day was challenging. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to make myself food. Really my physical health fell victim to my emotional health. It happens for me all too often. But I did do something really important, and it helped me when I was going through an episode of depression in college: I joined a yoga studio. It’s the same studio I went to before. I had been putting it off because of the money, but with the encouragement of my supporters I just did it. The first class back (after not doing hot yoga in over a year and a half) was hard. I felt exhausted and sweaty and dizzy and sort of like I could vomit. But it was awesome. It was like I was sweating out my guilt and anger and sadness.
I’m still climbing out of my hole from last week, but I am much better than I was this time last week. I was able to wake up early and I actually got a workout in and made a lunch for myself.
Here’s to a good week. Be well.